- I suffer PTSD or dissociation
- I have depression and anxiety
- I drink my problems away
- I
cut and scratch myself until I draw bloodself-harm - I don't eat as much as I used to
- I don't sleep much because of the PTSD and anxiety
I often feel worthless and want to end my lifeI have trust issues with people- I'm failing classes and have to retake them in order to graduate on time
- I quit my extracurricular activities because my depression made me detach from others
- I hate my body
Sometimes I wonder why in the hell I was even bornI hate my life on frequent basis- I am a damaged person who is incapable of love
I'm a freak
Friday, January 12, 2018
Just one of those days
I'm trying to get better but...sometimes it gets so hard I just wanna give up...
Friday, December 1, 2017
Depression post
Worthless insensitive piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything good in their life
Insignificant
Damaged
I thought I was special.
I thought I was creative.
I'm not.
I'm nothing.
Insignificant
Damaged
I thought I was special.
I thought I was creative.
I'm not.
I'm nothing.
Depression Post
"It's not always about you."
It never fucking is! When is it ever about me? Oh I know when I leave for school, that's when. When I exit your lives, you're eager as hell to get me out.
It never fucking is! When is it ever about me? Oh I know when I leave for school, that's when. When I exit your lives, you're eager as hell to get me out.
Depression post
Not exactly wanted at home.
But then again...when am I ever wanted?
Not even my own parents wanted me at first.
I was nothing but a mistake
A stupid mistake that should've never happened :')
Not feeling wanted is normal for me
I mean no one ever wants me around
Now I hate me too :')
Who wouldn't?!
I'm nothing but a piece of shit.
Whenever I look in the mirror I hate what I see
All I do is push people away.
But then again...when am I ever wanted?
Not even my own parents wanted me at first.
I was nothing but a mistake
A stupid mistake that should've never happened :')
Not feeling wanted is normal for me
I mean no one ever wants me around
Now I hate me too :')
Who wouldn't?!
I'm nothing but a piece of shit.
Whenever I look in the mirror I hate what I see
All I do is push people away.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
I can't
It's getting harder and harder. The stress, the anxiety, the depression. It's almost becoming too much for me to handle anymore. This strong persona I show to everyone, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I've even contemplated going back to cutting myself again. Replacing my emotional pain with a physical one. Just waiting for the moment I decide "fuck it". Let the cold sharp metal dig into my skin. Tracing a crimson path on me.
Sometimes I just want it to stop and give up.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Dad: the nitpicker
I swear my dad has to nitpick everything I do and everything about.
1) I don't TV shows as much as anymore. Now I watch the music channel and just listen to the songs.
Nitpick: "Do you ever watch TV?" "Don't you watch anything other than this station?" "Do ever watch cartoons?"
a) "Power Rangers don't come on anymore." "Aren't you a little old for Power Rangers?"
You literally just asked if I watch cartoons and now I'm too old for them?!
2) My usual haircut is an undercut and long bangs. My hair grew a bit in the last 3 months since my last haircut.
Nitpick: "You need a haircut." "When you gonna get this cut?" "Please tell you're gonna do something about this."
a) I get my haircut. Shaved. Shorter bangs. Styled in a pompadour look.
"Who cut your hair?" "Why?" "Seriously who cut your hair?" [He didn't like it]
3) I started doing my own laundry now.
Nitpick: "Why did you wait til now to do laundry?" "I need to sleep."
a) I was working Friday. I had my haircut appointment Saturday. Mom was doing Saturday/Sunday. I had work Monday. So yeah today (Tuesday) was the only day I could do it.
Sometimes the emotional abuse I get from him gets to be too much for me to the point I almost started cutting again. I keep thinking...I could easily do it. No one would ever know nor care. I have knives. I could do it on my legs. Easy.
But I didn't though. But shit this family is not making it easy on me at all.
1) I don't TV shows as much as anymore. Now I watch the music channel and just listen to the songs.
Nitpick: "Do you ever watch TV?" "Don't you watch anything other than this station?" "Do ever watch cartoons?"
a) "Power Rangers don't come on anymore." "Aren't you a little old for Power Rangers?"
You literally just asked if I watch cartoons and now I'm too old for them?!
2) My usual haircut is an undercut and long bangs. My hair grew a bit in the last 3 months since my last haircut.
Nitpick: "You need a haircut." "When you gonna get this cut?" "Please tell you're gonna do something about this."
a) I get my haircut. Shaved. Shorter bangs. Styled in a pompadour look.
"Who cut your hair?" "Why?" "Seriously who cut your hair?" [He didn't like it]
3) I started doing my own laundry now.
Nitpick: "Why did you wait til now to do laundry?" "I need to sleep."
a) I was working Friday. I had my haircut appointment Saturday. Mom was doing Saturday/Sunday. I had work Monday. So yeah today (Tuesday) was the only day I could do it.
Sometimes the emotional abuse I get from him gets to be too much for me to the point I almost started cutting again. I keep thinking...I could easily do it. No one would ever know nor care. I have knives. I could do it on my legs. Easy.
But I didn't though. But shit this family is not making it easy on me at all.
Friday, September 9, 2016
My roommate
And here I thought I would stop posting once I moved into my new dorm room away from my family. I was straight up wrong! My roommate is an immature little shit!
First she would go out for parties and get tipsy (even though she's under age) all the time the first week of school.
Second she got needy. She desperately craved attention. Whenever I would ignore her to study or do homework she would throw random objects at me to get my attention. Even when I told her to quit it after the first time. She threw a pillow, a spoon, a wad of yarn, and a magnet at me!
Third she's messy. Her side of the room is always a wreck (worse than mine which is saying something cuz I'm usually a organized mess). And her stuff is usually on my side of the room.
Fourth she's narcissistic. She constantly talks about her fuck buddies, sex life, and how's she is better looking than me. Are fucking kidding me?!!
Fifth she's inconsiderate. I'm allergic to garlic and she orders pizza with garlic sauce even though she knows the smells makes me ill too. And always (loudly) Skyping people when I'm trying to work on homework and studying!
Ugh! A junior really shouldn't have to room with a freshman. I chose her but her profile said she was the opposite of what she is now. Even when we video chatted she did not appear this way. Fucking hell!!!
First she would go out for parties and get tipsy (even though she's under age) all the time the first week of school.
Second she got needy. She desperately craved attention. Whenever I would ignore her to study or do homework she would throw random objects at me to get my attention. Even when I told her to quit it after the first time. She threw a pillow, a spoon, a wad of yarn, and a magnet at me!
Third she's messy. Her side of the room is always a wreck (worse than mine which is saying something cuz I'm usually a organized mess). And her stuff is usually on my side of the room.
Fourth she's narcissistic. She constantly talks about her fuck buddies, sex life, and how's she is better looking than me. Are fucking kidding me?!!
Fifth she's inconsiderate. I'm allergic to garlic and she orders pizza with garlic sauce even though she knows the smells makes me ill too. And always (loudly) Skyping people when I'm trying to work on homework and studying!
Ugh! A junior really shouldn't have to room with a freshman. I chose her but her profile said she was the opposite of what she is now. Even when we video chatted she did not appear this way. Fucking hell!!!
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Low opinion
Nice to know my own dad has such a low opinion of me.
I was going to a spa. Dad asked where and I told him. He turned his face up at the name. He had heard rumors that it was shady like they had a back room for guys to fuck. I did my research. The Facebook reviews gave it a pretty decent score (and it was mostly women). I even asked my aunt who went there and she said it was okay. I tried to convince my parents that it was okay and they of course they didn't budge.
My dad said, "Fine. If your face ends up on Facebook, don't come crying to me."
I was going to a spa. Dad asked where and I told him. He turned his face up at the name. He had heard rumors that it was shady like they had a back room for guys to fuck. I did my research. The Facebook reviews gave it a pretty decent score (and it was mostly women). I even asked my aunt who went there and she said it was okay. I tried to convince my parents that it was okay and they of course they didn't budge.
My dad said, "Fine. If your face ends up on Facebook, don't come crying to me."
Basically he called me a whore.
Wow, dad. Nice to know how you think of me. What he said can be taken different ways:
- Calling his kid a whore
- Being put on some type of revenge porn like a Lifetime movie and him not even caring
Just wow dad....that was a whole new low
Patriarch
I hate the patriarchy of the house!
*My dad and I feuded....over hamburger buns. My mom made burgers for dinner. The amount of buns were limited. He wanted buns for his burgers and so did I. He told me to use bread slices. To me, bread is demeaning for a burger. (Don't ask me why. It's just how I am. Bread slices for sandwiches, buns for burgers.) I told him I wanted buns and he can use bread since I've seen him use bread slices for bread before. Here's how this conversation continued:
If he wants to get technical, mom buys the groceries not him. he fucking lucky i kept my mouth shut. otherwise that high fucking horse of his would get pretty motherfucking small!
- I can't eat until my dad eats.
- I can't have the last of something if he wants it.*
*My dad and I feuded....over hamburger buns. My mom made burgers for dinner. The amount of buns were limited. He wanted buns for his burgers and so did I. He told me to use bread slices. To me, bread is demeaning for a burger. (Don't ask me why. It's just how I am. Bread slices for sandwiches, buns for burgers.) I told him I wanted buns and he can use bread since I've seen him use bread slices for bread before. Here's how this conversation continued:
Dad: Who I am?
Me: Dad
Dad: What do I do?
Me: (i didn't answer)
dad: who buys the groceries?
me: (still no answer)
If he wants to get technical, mom buys the groceries not him. he fucking lucky i kept my mouth shut. otherwise that high fucking horse of his would get pretty motherfucking small!
Being my parent's bitch
I hate being my parent's bitch. They make me do everything around the house.
You know what my sister does? My sister does absolutely nothing! Does this asswipe even have a chore?! Everything gets done for her. My dad gets her trash from her room. My mom gets her laundry to take downstairs.
Just a week or two, then I am done being their little bitch. Maybe my sister will be their new bitch....not -_-
- Vacuum
- put groceries away
- dishes
- trash
You know what my sister does? My sister does absolutely nothing! Does this asswipe even have a chore?! Everything gets done for her. My dad gets her trash from her room. My mom gets her laundry to take downstairs.
Just a week or two, then I am done being their little bitch. Maybe my sister will be their new bitch....not -_-
So unfair
My parents are so unfair to me!
My dad gave my sister a Swiss army knife and not me! I have been asking for years for a Swiss army knife and I kept getting denied. My sister is a high school freshman and she gets one?! So fucking unfair!
My mom is such a hypocritic! I'm not allowed to walk around the house in my bra. And my sister gets to walk around in hers?!!! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!!!!!
I fuck swear this family just ARGH!!!!!
Monday, July 4, 2016
The "girlfriend"
You guys really like the "girlfriend" posts. I actually have an update on that. And no we're not back together.
Here's what happened:
Her mom and dad didn't like the fact that she liked girls (i.e. me). So her mom gave her a choice...lose all contact with me or get kicked out the house. She choose not to live on the streets by blocking me on Facebook and changing her number. So her family is what got between us. A year later of resentment towards her and finding myself, I work up the courage to contact her. She tells me the truth about our breakup/fallout and that she never meant to hurt me. And now we are just friends. She has another boyfriend who just happens to be homophobic and is pregnant with his kid and they are living together.
First off, why date a homophobic guy when you yourself are bisexual? Two if you loved me as much as I thought you did how come you didn't think to contact me? She moved out of her parents house...we could've easily gotten back together!
But whatever. she made her choice and i'm making mine. and besides the bitch held me back anyway. if we were still together, i would have stayed in this godforsaken town so i wouldn't have to leave her. more than anything i want to leave and i never would have accomplished that. but now i am actually leaving so out breakup was actually a good thing. i just wish it was a little less harsh way it happened.
Here's what happened:
Her mom and dad didn't like the fact that she liked girls (i.e. me). So her mom gave her a choice...lose all contact with me or get kicked out the house. She choose not to live on the streets by blocking me on Facebook and changing her number. So her family is what got between us. A year later of resentment towards her and finding myself, I work up the courage to contact her. She tells me the truth about our breakup/fallout and that she never meant to hurt me. And now we are just friends. She has another boyfriend who just happens to be homophobic and is pregnant with his kid and they are living together.
First off, why date a homophobic guy when you yourself are bisexual? Two if you loved me as much as I thought you did how come you didn't think to contact me? She moved out of her parents house...we could've easily gotten back together!
But whatever. she made her choice and i'm making mine. and besides the bitch held me back anyway. if we were still together, i would have stayed in this godforsaken town so i wouldn't have to leave her. more than anything i want to leave and i never would have accomplished that. but now i am actually leaving so out breakup was actually a good thing. i just wish it was a little less harsh way it happened.
My sexuality
As you all know (some of you probably don't) I like girls. My family doesn't know....except my little sister. And guess what she's doing that information? BLACKMAILING ME!!! She is blackmailing me with my sexuality by threatening to out me to the parents. We both know mom and dad would never accept me for liking girls. That's why she's using it against me. I can deal with her blackmailing me with this but she is also judging me and making me feel worse about my sexuality than I already do!
Her responses:
well i'm fucking sorry! No scratch i'm not fucking sorry! you know why? cuz who I choose to love and fuck is none of your goddamn business! i don't make fun or judge you for who you to love! so don't do it to me!
Her responses:
- it's wrong
- you should just like guys otherwise mom and dad will be upset
- don't come out
- you eat pussy? you is a freak
- it's gross
Independence
Apparently my parents said I can't get a job when I transfer to a university next month.
First off, I should be my goddamn decision if I should get a job or not. Not theirs! I want to make some cash that way I won't have to beg them for it. I think the real reason they don't want me to get a job is the same reason they want to attend college closer to home...they don't want me to independent and leave. Cuz if that happens, I won't be their little bitch anymore meaning they won't be able to control me. Well boo moutherfucking hoo! I'm leaving far away from here and I'm gonna get a part-time job down there and earns some money because I never wanna come back home to their controlling asses ever!
First off, I should be my goddamn decision if I should get a job or not. Not theirs! I want to make some cash that way I won't have to beg them for it. I think the real reason they don't want me to get a job is the same reason they want to attend college closer to home...they don't want me to independent and leave. Cuz if that happens, I won't be their little bitch anymore meaning they won't be able to control me. Well boo moutherfucking hoo! I'm leaving far away from here and I'm gonna get a part-time job down there and earns some money because I never wanna come back home to their controlling asses ever!
Friday, June 17, 2016
Just once is all I ask!
Just once can't I have my way! One time is all I ask! My family and I are on a one-day/one-night trip to my transfer school. The room offers two regular beds and one roll-away bed. I already called one of the regular beds...twice before we even left! And guess what happens...my mom decides to flip a coin for it and my sister gets the regular bed.
Here's what's shitting me:
1) My mom can't flip a coin to save her life
2) I have back problems
3) I'm about to start my you-don't-want-to-know-what
4) She didn't even want to come on this fucking trip!
I can't have my way for one day even when it's about me?! I fucking can't stand this family!
Just two more months...then it's finally over and I'm free. Hopefully I can last that long -_- xP
Here's what's shitting me:
1) My mom can't flip a coin to save her life
2) I have back problems
3) I'm about to start my you-don't-want-to-know-what
4) She didn't even want to come on this fucking trip!
I can't have my way for one day even when it's about me?! I fucking can't stand this family!
Just two more months...then it's finally over and I'm free. Hopefully I can last that long -_- xP
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Spoiled sister
My sister is so spoiled! She wants an iPod touch because she can't access social media 24/7 through the iPhone she already has! An iPod touch is over $200 and she asks my mom to buy her one. My mom tells her the cost and you know what my sister says? She replies "I'm worth it."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!! Then she continues with "Aren't I a good person?" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!!!! I had to raise the money on my own when I bought my iPod and that shit was not easy damn it!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!! Then she continues with "Aren't I a good person?" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!!!! I had to raise the money on my own when I bought my iPod and that shit was not easy damn it!
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Sister and mirrors
My sister won't quit using my bathroom! I have told her countless times it's my bathroom and to ask permission to use it or don't use it at all! She constantly uses my bathroom mirror. What's fucked up is that I FUCKING BOUGHT HER A MIRROR FOR CHRISTMAS YEARS AGO! It's a full tenth mirror that you can hang on your door. USE YOUR OWN FUCKING MIRROR YOU EGOISTICAL BITCH! What, is the mirror not big enough for your fat narcissistic, ego-maniacal head with your ass to match?!!
My day
Went to my (favorite) cousin's high school graduation today...what better way to start the day with criticism about how I look only 30 minutes after waking up
My dad was criticizing my hair saying my hair looks tow up (like a mess). Are you serious?! I just woke up fucker! Of course my hair looks messy! Fucking hell! Can't go one goddamn day without criticism about something! -_-
Continuing my day...graduation hasn't started yet so sister decided to pass the time Snapchatting. Here's the problem our phone company told us we used 90% of free internet data already and our parents said we can't use anymore outside the house. This bitch is snapchatting across from me! And my mom only catches me and starts fussing at me! What was I doing you ask? Texting my asshole of a mom a question since she was too far for me to ask directly!! Sister gets away with everything and I get yelled at.
Graduation started and ended. People rushing the door. Sister yelling next to my ear and I call her out on it. Guess what? Sister gets off unscathed as usual and I get hit in the arm by mom. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!! SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!!
Sunday, May 29, 2016
My life sucks part 2
My life sucks and I hate it!
My family (on my dad's side) is having a reunion. My dad told me to give him $163 by June 3rd. I just found out that $75 is registration and $88 is for the hotel (one night stay).
My dad is making me pay for EVERYONE! I would understand having to pay MY way to the reunion, but EVERYONE?!! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!
My family (on my dad's side) is having a reunion. My dad told me to give him $163 by June 3rd. I just found out that $75 is registration and $88 is for the hotel (one night stay).
My dad is making me pay for EVERYONE! I would understand having to pay MY way to the reunion, but EVERYONE?!! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!
I only make minimum wage damn it! I could pay for my community college tuition or the books at the most with that kind of money!!!
I hate this family!!!!
My life sucks part 1
My life sucks and I hate it!
My BFF wanted to hang out this weekend for a movie night and I tell okay at (insert date here) at noon. I have everything ready and I patiently wait for her arrival.
My BFF wanted to hang out this weekend for a movie night and I tell okay at (insert date here) at noon. I have everything ready and I patiently wait for her arrival.
Still not here...
Still not here....
Didn't fucking show up!!!!!
I waited for over two hours, called twice, and sent five text messages. No reply and no explanation!! Are you fucking kidding me?!!! At least give me a goddamn heads up before you flake on me like that!!
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